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9.1.07 14:15


Just cuz my hands are round ur throat..doesn´t mean i don´t love you

yea. my first entry from good old germany. has been 3 days of home now. has been good. has been bad.

good was finally seing all the people who mean something to me again. "all the people" doesnt imply that there are many ;]. but it was really nice. kinda changed my whole perspective on my loneliness, which is really helpful i guess. what was kinda bad was to already say goodbye to my dear ayse again. kinda useless, girl. (don´t say this sentence the g.w.way!) i miss u. already. puh. gotta be hard the next 6? month?!

but don´t get me wrong. i really apprechiate the time i had with you. it was so much fun, wasn´t it? gotta post some pics here. was just looking at them again and they are oh so cool. but i gotta say my love, u´ve kinda grown up. and again, don´t get me wrong, does not mean a bad thing. neutral statement, i guess. you know i love u. (am i getting too sentimental lately??) and ah, i finally could watch the dvd i got from u. oh my gee. *just invented this expression*

bad was also being reminded why it was so important to leave. not gonna say anything further for now.

    so what happened the last couple of days? been to the hairdressers. no visible change. been to the madsen concert. it was fucking awesome. u guys rock. and as soon as i can i will post pics and videos here. got some bruises again, but this is no real news. visited ayse at her uni. don´t know what to say about that. went with her to bremen city. i know t h a t was fun. just hung out and went to the movies. watched "the holiday". was really cheesy but also really funny. yesterday i was at my old school with madame saskia. joined her german class. after that we went to the univeristy again to eat and say goodbye to ayse. in the night we were watching "hard candy", which was so fucking psycho, wuuha, and talked until 1.30 or sth. today i´ve been watching A LOT o.c.. new season. on youtube. haha. well, in the beginning, hard to follow the plot, i think. but now i think i´m so in. so i think i can´t stop watching now...

23.12.06 20:13


tomorrow, tomorrow will be a different day...

i love you frank iero. would you marry me? please? 

sadly, he doesn´t look interested a t  a l l.

so today was a quite normal day. didn´t have to go to school. so i just did some cooking and stuff. and played with duplo.

at two i intended to go and hide in my room, lay down and feel the whole pain of my new phase of depression. but no way with nadia knowing that i´m leaving tomorrow. and thinking i won´t come back. so i spent the whole afternoon with her. we dressed up, put all my jewellery on and even some makeup. i showed her everything in my suitcase, which means i have to repack it again tonight. she loves my pink vans. she wanted to wear them outside. but. well. haha. cause they are pink. a n d they have bats on. which are her favorite animals. ?. okay.

pretty as we were we went to the trainstation so i could buy my ticket for tomorrow. of course i couldn´t go alone. cuz then i would have a chance to leave. obviously. man i feel so bad to do this to her. but well...

tomorrow no school either. which means i am already freeed from some certain emo boy. i don´t know if im happy about this or not. came a little unprepared. and well. 3 weeks until i will again. i don´t know. what to think about me even bothering. i shouldn´t. i don´t want to. but. whatever. kim predicted something the first time i told her about him. will she be right in the end? i hope not ;] not good for my pride.

tomorrow i head off straight home. i will leave at noon here. and arrive at 9 in the evening. a hell of a journey. but i´m so excited. i hope everything turns out right. and i don´t get arrested for reasons of attempded violence because of my badges or sth. and i can´t w a i t to see all my fellas again. so i think i go and tidy my room. and watch a good hilary duff movie. man, how on earth could joel just dump her?? ;]

"..i got brass knuckles hanging from my neck in my chain"

18.12.06 18:51


i love early chistmas

man i slept so bad this night. but all my fault. stayed on the pc until 3 a.m. and then even started reading instead of going to bed. after that it was just falling asleep, waking up, falling asleep again, waking up again..h o r r i b l e. so today i´m pretty wasted. and still in my pj´s. wearing sunglasses cuz its so fucking bright in my attic.

i started packing today and there is n o  w a y, i repeat, n o  w a y that i will be travelling with only one suitcase. i mean, one is almost filled with presents. what about my beloved clothes? but i have no money for paying for another luggage. so i´m kinda desperate.

well, maybe i should finally go down and eat something. or not. or have a coke. or coffee. whatever. obviously bored.

buuuut, in half hour napoleon dynamite is on again. my rescue for today. and ahhh i forgot. i got my presents from my aupair family today. ahhh. awesome. i got a book about a woman who fought for the women rights in the 18th century, which looks really dark and great. i got a black/grey striped scarf cuz i´m kinda notorious for a l w a y s wearing a scarf here. and of course paintings by nadia. pink christmas trees and stuff. so cute. aaaaand., the most awesome present: v for vendetta comic book. with like 300 pages. from america. it is SO awesome. i fucking love it. maaan. you should have seen me...;]

"...remember, remember the fifth of november"

i will go to bed with that. and cuddle it. and..wow. jipeeah.

gotta do laundry now. and then watch tv. and hope that someone goes online and entertains me ot something. please?

17.12.06 16:56


ich m u s s gar nichts!

16.12.06 23:37


The Last Sunrise

Bite the blood that drains the life inside of me and fills your soul with love and hate and all those things you need to breathe.
My body dies,
But still my soul remains eternally in search of Caspian waves and shallow graves.
Explain, why me?
16.12.06 21:46


i like myself, i like myself, i like myself....

the person i hate most today: saskia. no. she did nothing wrong. but she´s at a placebo concert right now. and i had like a big placebo revival this week [after the gc revival last week] .and i would do everything to be there with her right now. and she just texted me that she wants revenge is the support act. and i love this band very very much too. i hate her. i hate her. i hate her. this is just a joke. i repeat: this is just a joke. i´m just a bad loser.

i will have a nice evening in front of the tv. and i will be enjoying myself like fuck. cause i don´t have money for the cinema anymore. and i wanted to watch black christmas. i´m such a miserbale person. bou-huu. i hope there is at least a good movie on. otherwise its quite possible that i get even more miserable. nobody wants that. for sure.

finally back home. woke up at 8 in the fucking morning. instead of trying to go back to sleep, even if quite impossible with a screaming baby down the stairs, i got my ass up to head off to town early. final christmas shopping. bad decision. cuz like one million other people had the same brilliant idea.

well. its wasn´t that bad. got to know some nice old ladies and helped them out with their bags. i´m such a good person.

i finally bought something for my parents. a british tea party set. teapot, mugs and like the most expensive tea ever. 10 pounds which is like 15 euros. better be the best tea they have ever drunken. and better be some nice presents in there for me. just joking. i´m happy enough that they take me home for christmas. have i mentioned its only 3 days left? also bought the last things for my honey ayse today. even if it is not what i wanted it to be. sorry. you have to accept it either way.

bought something for me too. christmas outfit. cuz its like all very official in my family at christmas. and i don´t fit in "official". but now..well. lets say. i do. in my own way. have a nice skirt. when i say nice i mean a black one with biiig pink skulls on it. i love it. and a pink top. and tights. and yea. i´m "a little" too fat for skirts. but whatever. did i mention that i love it? cuz i´m in process of learning to love myself. because, if you don´t love youself you will never be able to love others. so now. if i could run down the beach into my own arms, i would.

16.12.06 19:23


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